The Same Him

So,
I write again
with all of my sadness
Crawling into me.
Everytime I wanna write,
I go back on saying, "I'll be alright."

Still,
I looked around and saw him
Then I began to asked myself, "Why always him? The that him?"
I know that I realized he had changed.

She matters to him a lot,
That's why she will be everywhere he is.
That's why she will be every moment he spent.
That's why she is important to him,
Since I left him.

Somehow,
I thought I was wrong on leaving.
But the only reason was,
He never had the ability to see me as who I am.
Thus, he treated me like his past girls.

Somewhat,
I played sad song and told myself
to let go.
Because I've had enough.
But I know I don't.

The day I depart,
Marked as the day I am nobody for him.
The struggle is,
Why can't he be the same for me?

The same him,
The one that I leave,
The one that changed, became a better man,
The one that I love the most.

Oh, dear.
I can't believe I just said that.
But I was in love with him as friends, no more, no less.
I guess I broke him at the first place?
But I wish my guessing is wrong.

I am so desperate
I don't know what came out from my mouth,
I've no idea how to deal with this,
While all I see was he had so much fun with his new women.

So,
I begin silent,
Remain quiet but with a mind full of chaos.
I sleep with tears,
Happy face but hurt by memories.

I wish the bad side of him
Can help me get rid of his goodness in my memories.
I wish I am just dreaming,
So I never have to be worried of losing someone,
So I never have to be scared of ever hold someone,
Who was mattered the most,
Even for ten and half year break.